a sunny friday morning

It doesn’t happen often, but what do ya know, sometimes I have slightly happier things to share.

I woke up to a message in my email this morning that ended with…

“I know you don’t like talking about yourself, but I like hearing it.”

While the cynic in me questions the genuineness behind this statement, and while I will likely not respond by talking more about myself, it was still a very nice note to wake up to *insert timidly smiling emoticon*

Is this a lasting treasure, or just a moment’s pleasure?

Not a huge fan of Amy Winehouse, but she does an amazing cover of this song. Can’t stop listening to it!

Glass by Gavin Degraw

Fool you made the girl fall in love
you said those beautiful things
she thought you spoke things you mean

Caress her skin like it’s glass
she hears your voice making plans
and sees your face in her hands

You don’t wanna see somebody beg
as you feel her heart surrender
you begin to fall
How do you say that something’s through
when it never even started
at least not for you

You breathe her air and you leave
you keep your mind on yourself
and lie the glass on the shelf
After the heavenly speech
your body throws holy heat
the angels sing when our eyes meet

It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t true
I just wanted to make you feel good
just wanted you near
I wasn’t prepared I wasn’t thinking of you
that you could actually love me
it never should have started

She’s dreaming back on the past
every opinion agreed
doesn’t know what to believe

It must have been for a cause
our lives have so many doors
don’t think about him anymore

But it was the kiss, it took me away
it’s like he knew that I am fragile
he handled me like glass
and it hurts but it’s what I deserve
because I should have been more careful
with the others that I handled
I should have been , I should have been
and knowing this I know that he’ll get his
but I don’t want the man to suffer
not the way I am
because deep down I know that he’s glass too
but it really doesn’t matter
until it’s happening to you

everybody breaks,
everybody breaks sometimes

//

Wow, this song… the words, it’s genius.

your ex lover is dead

A friend…

does not take the worst, worst thing that has ever happened to you…

and try to convince you it was all your own fault,
that you pretty much deserved it.

Out of common courtesy, out of sensitivity, and out of the goodness of one’s heart.

a friend just doesn’t say things like that.

Especially as an outsider looking in.
—

Anyway, I just don’t understand. Do I live in some parallel universe of my former evil self? because I swear to you, my loyal readers, that was not how it happened!

Its true, nothing breaks my heart more.

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

- Coldplay, “Fix You”

Sometimes I feel so messed up and broken, like I have so many issues that are completely outside of my control. And then I listen to this song, “Fix you” and I get mixed feelings.

On one hand, it puts me at ease because a sense of being understood and a promise of brighter days are implied. On the other hand, it makes me sad because in reality no one really will fix you–or me.  Who could blame them though, we never came with instruction manuals after all. Where would fixing even start?

the art of letting go

“Put away the pictures, put away the memories.
I put over and over, through my tears
I’ve held them till I’m blind; they kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I’d keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that’s holding on…”

“…guess I’m just learning
learning the art of letting go…”

To someone I used to know,

Tonight, unplanned and unforeseen, I hung out with him and some of our mutual friends. This was our second time this summer and our third time in the last… 2 years. In the last 5 years, because we share some of the same friends, we have attended the same events maybe… four times.  We exchange a few polite words, make minimal eye contact, and after what feels like a flash of time, head our separate ways. He is, in many ways, a stranger.

Once upon a time, though, he was my best best friend. I know it’s been almost 6 years, but somehow…the loss of this friendship still saddens me in a way I can hardly comprehend or describe.

In middle school,  he was the one I called every time I had girl drama or boy problems. In high school, he also called me everyday after school just to chat–not only to tell me about his day, but to really listen to me talk about mine, always providing a thoughtful response, too. This is the friend who woke me up Saturday mornings so we could work on scholarship applications together; who taught me how to make scrambled eggs over the phone as I attempted;  who stayed up late into the night to do homework with me; and who explained hyperbolas and probabilities to me until I supposedly understood. We exchanged countless stories about relationships new and old; and went shopping together for our respective significant others’ presents (birthdays, anniversaries, valentines day, etc…).

No, I assure you, there were no sexual overtones in our conversations and no sexual tension in our interactions. It was a pure and platonic friendship, and a beautiful one at that. At least, that’s what it was to me.

It all seemed to make sense–until it didn’t.

I keep asking myself how it got to this point. I keep wondering whether I did something wrong; and if so, what it could have been.  Was it all in my head? Were we really not the kind of friends I thought we were?

I know, it’s so silly, I should be way over it by now.  After all, not all friendships last forever…and in fact most do not.  But somehow, no matter how hard I try to forget or move on, the memory of our 5 years of friendship–and how it ultimately dissipated–still haunts me and shapes my friendships/relationships today.  I can’t seem to shake it. I’ve tried! But each time I see him again, although few and far between, I am overwhelmed by a rainbow of emotions: affection, joy, sadness, resentment, anger, and disappointment, feelings I don’t know what else to do with but to repress.

So I do. Repress.

I just had to get that off my chest.

And, as always, I have found the perfect lyrics to sum me up (below). As much as I hate giving him credit, it’s true….

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

- Kelly Clarkson “Because of You”

Too much time

It’s only been one week since school has been done, and already I have had too much time for my own good. I don’t mean to say that I don’t appreciate having time to catch up with friends, indulge in movies I’ve been wanting to see for months now, and to just lie here on my bed killing time. But, when school’s not on my mind, a lot of other things I’d rather not think about are. It sounds kind of cliche but…when I’m not busy keeping busy, I’m left facing my own thoughts, insecurities, and bitter memories. And each time this happens–often during these breaks between semesters–I come to the conclusion that I have issues I don’t even know how to begin to fix. So to prevent this, I’ve come up with some things to keep me busy until August 19. Lets just hope I get off my lazy ass to actually go through with these

+ head to the gym every other day
+ attend yoga classes every other day
+ take as many extra shifts at work as possible
+ burn a ton of CDs for the car
+ get ahead in tasks for volunteering
+ organize pictures and pick out a collection to develop
+ clean my room and closet (i.e. part with old clothes)
+ read The Time Traveller’s Wife, Lovely Bones, and Captivating

If you have other ideas for me, please share :)

The grass is always greener

…on the other side.

Listening to other people’s stories, I often catch myself thinking, “why couldn’t that happen to me?”

But on some level, I know that if the same event did happen to me, I’d want more…or less, or different. I’m never satisfied.

just for you

Happy Anniversary, Baby! Thank you for tonight, and every night in the past three and a half years. Thank you for seeing the best and worst in me and loving me regardless. And thank you especially for being my only ray of sunshine last summer. I will always hold that close to heart.

For all the many, many unwise decisions I’ve made, it amazes me everyday that when it came to you, it was flawless. I know it now and I knew it at the brink of 15: it will always be you. We may be geographically apart, but you are my home, I’m with you everyday everyday ;)